Author: P. O'Rourke - American - Comedian

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Greet Hat Lady Left Life Looks More Nothing Off Rest Should Stupid Taken Than Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Famous Nothing Only Quiet Relative Tasteful Then Too Very Way] [P. J. O'Rourke]

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ After Champagne Enjoy Having Host Over Party Place Purpose Sent Simply Sole Surely Taxi Their Were Women Your Yourself] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Always Die Good Look Make Middle Read Something Will] [P. J. O'Rourke]

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ America Anything Better Could Damned Founded Pleased Well] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Alcohol Anyway Causes Even Fundamental Greed Ignorance Ills Looking Love Our Power Should Society Source Stupidity Test Them Troubles] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Because Difficult Discipline May Parents Properly Size Their] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Children must be considered in a divorce considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Children Considered Contest Divorce Ensue Financial Legal Must Nasty Pawns Valuable] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Becomes Cleanliness Godliness Important More Unlikely] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ College Earnestness Sent Stupidity] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Carefully Child Children Concept Death Dying Effective Even Explain Him Informed Make More Much Need Threatening Very Will Young Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Democracy Every Government Parliament Trouble Us Whores] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Children Everybody Except How Knows Raise Them] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Annoying Bad Clinging Family Love Messy Pattern Repetitive Wallpaper] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Any Bright Catastrophe Feeling Good Government Looking Quit Side Still] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Boys Car Giving Government Keys Money Power Teenage Whiskey] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Flattery Gossip Objects Present Say] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Bureaucracy Dispose Disposes Dumping Government Must Proposals Proposes Them Us] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Animals Children Eat Exception Humans Only Purpose Theirs] [P. J. O'Rourke]

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Again Anything Behavior Done Experience Feel Learning Less Makes Sixties Stupid Then Think] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure, are impotent in the face of hope and joy.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Face Failure Hope Ideology Impotent Journalism Joy Politics Which] [P. J. O'Rourke]

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Government Illegal Product Selling Were Would] [P. J. O'Rourke]

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Adult Deal Drink Fat Great Health Into Make Mind Other Slow Spoil Turn Will Words Young Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Addict Autobiography Celebrity His Means Modern Pervert Read Say] [P. J. O'Rourke]

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Another Assassinate Brief Character Death Election Else Fails Five Four History Hold Hounded Impeached National Office Our Out Presidents Shot Their Them Worried] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Corporal Punishment Reintroduce Schools Teachers Use] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Born-Again Christians Cows Dairy Fun High Hunting Making Powered Rifle Scope] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Except Lover Never Unfaithful Wife Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Never fight an inanimate object.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Fight Inanimate Never Object] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Never wear anything that panics the cat.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Anything Cat Never Panics Wear] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Done Endless Foreigners Get God Infinite Last Lousy Mercy Paltry Politics Resort Rights Their Things Way Wrongs] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ College Sent Seriousness Stupidity] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Bad Benefits Divorce Elicit Ever Friends Good Long-Term Marriage Married May More Much Over Staying Sympathy Than] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Administration Ashore Attack Because Bill Clinton Country Does Founded Guns Hell Launched Nuts Plymouth Religious Rock Stepped Texas Think Those Were] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Crabgrass Democrats Elected Get Government Lawn Make Party Prove Remove Republicans Richer Says Smarter Taller Then Will Work Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ According Administration Bad Everything Good News Obama Obama Pay Rich Will] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Government How Make Mystery Stop Washington Works] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Behavior Drunk Drunkenness Eve Get Holiday Kiss Married New Person Proper Season Through Year] [P. J. O'Rourke]

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Absolutely Behave Extraordinary Four Going His Kid Know Look More Normal Nose Nothing Person Reverse Rings See Should Three Too Weirder Works] [P. J. O'Rourke]

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Among Chief Convertible Devices Increase Mechanical Number Particularly Sexual These Which Women] [P. J. O'Rourke]

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Away Die Men Never Sooner Take Thing Women] [P. J. O'Rourke]

There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Basic Comes Consequences Damn Duty Human Only Please Right Take Well] [P. J. O'Rourke]

There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Fact Going More Old Soon Terrifying] [P. J. O'Rourke]

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Brings Economic Encourages Growth Kind Marxism Only Out Something System Warts] [P. J. O'Rourke]

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Americans Behind Does Else Foreign Government Idea Policy Prefer Sensible Somebody Whatever Would] [P. J. O'Rourke]

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Bought Buying Controlled First Legislation Legislators Selling Sold Things] [P. J. O'Rourke]

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Get Giving Money Poverty Rid] [P. J. O'Rourke]

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Asking Came Children Going Growing Know Refuse Stop Tell Up Where Your] [P. J. O'Rourke]

You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.-P. J. O'Rourke
[ Broke Discover Especially May Rich Surprised] [P. J. O'Rourke]